Practical Marriage Advice For Single Muslims - Have Realistic Expectations
We all have a picture in our mind of our of what our future husband should look like, our dream wedding, married life etc but where are we getting our standards from? Popular culture, social media because our friends, publicise everything? How realistic is the content we are consuming?
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Whenever I have held a Muslim marriage masterclass, my inbox has been flooded with questions from single Muslimahs. Some women feel scared at the thought of getting married. Others have heard too many Muslim marriage horror stories and are seriously considering staying single.
Getting married is one of the most important decisions of your life. So, before you embark on your marriage journey, you need answers, so you have clarity and the confidence to find a compatible husband. Inshallah, a God-conscious husband who will compliment you, not complete you. This Ebook provides you with answers to the pre-marriage questions you have. Questions include:
Once I get married, will I lose my freedom?
What are the red flags I should look for?
What are the halal ways of finding a prospective partner?
How can I get to know someone without dating?
When should I ask difficult questions about finances, in-laws, polygamy, etc.?
How do I know if he is ‘The One’ ?
Book information: Author: Farhat Amin, 75 pages, 28 pre-marriage questions with detailed answers.
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Asalamualaikum, and welcome back to Smart Muslima. If you are new here, my name is Farhat Amin, and this is a podcast for Muslim women. In the current season, we are looking at love, marriage, and relationships. I've really been enjoying the guests that have been coming on so far in this series, and I thought it would be quite nice to share some practical advice to single sisters who want to get married, after all the excellent general advice that has been given in the past interviews on here. I am unable to speak to you in person, but if you were my friend who lived down the road or a colleague and you said to me, "Look, I really want to get married, but I'm finding it difficult," this is the practical advice that I would give you, that I'm sharing today.
Today's practical tips are on expectations and what expectations you should have before thinking of getting married. The first step to finding a marriage partner is to know what you want and what you need and to apply that criteria when looking for a spouse. Before you do anything, you need to sit down with a piece of paper and pen and figure out what type of person you are looking for. You might be surprised to hear that the things you think you want before marriage and the things you want after the wedding are often very different. For example, a man may consider that marrying someone attractive is a high priority, but once they get married, if their wife can't cook and doesn't know how to manage a home, that is a problem. Therefore, being honest with yourself about what you really want is really important and something you don't need to share with anyone.
You need to think about this carefully, and you need to ask yourself, what do you expect from marriage, and what does married life look like to you? This question should be explored before someone even walks through your door. It's interesting, because when people have said to me that they want to get married and then when I've asked them, "What type of person is it that you want?" they haven't thought about it. There is no point in starting that conversation and getting people looking for you when you haven't figured it out yet.
When I got married 20 years ago, my husband had friends who wanted to get married, and I had friends to get married. Alhamdullilah, we knew there was a lot of reward in helping people to get married, and we knew the hadeeth. I'm paraphrasing, that "A tree will be planted for you in jannah if you help two Muslims get married" and so I realised that it was something that I'd like to do. Alhamdulillah, we did do that, and may Allah keep those marriages healthy, and inshallah Allah rewards us for doing that. Sometimes people say one thing to you: they want someone Islamic or someone who wears a hijab or someone who will stay at home and take care of the house, but then when it boils down to it, they end up rejecting those people. It turns out they wanted someone who would go out and work and who didn't wear a jilbab. Don't waste anyone's time if they're going to put the effort in to help you. My advice here is going to be really honest. This is not a light topic.
The other thing I would say is that you need to have realistic, not idealistic, expectations. Don't have sky-high unrealistic expectations, for example, how much you expect your future husband to be earning; house prices can be costly, and renting can be very expensive.
Similarly, unemployment is on the rise, so people have to take jobs they otherwise may not want to take. For example, people look down on taxi drivers and people who work in supermarkets, and it's odd because I used to do that as well. I live in the area – and I don't live in a slum or some ghetto, by the way - where it's easy to be a drug dealer – this is what it's like nowadays. I know of young men whose fathers are taxi drivers or working in grocery stores, and their sons look at their father's jobs and think, "I don't want to do that, it's easier to make money by selling weed. " Let's not glorify this for a second, people think weed is less than cocaine and heroin, but it's not because both of them are haraam and destroy families and young people, and these Muslim boys are delivering drugs to their brothers and sisters.
I'm making here that we should have more respect for a taxi driver who is earning their income and gaining their rizq in a halal way, compared to a lazy drug dealer who drives a BMW. Of course, the guy has to earn money, but be realistic about the type of job, the pay, and even whether he has his own home, or whether you have to live in a flat or temporarily live with your in-laws. If you're not even going to consider someone based on that, you may end up waiting for a long time. You need to have sensible, grounded expectations.
There are certain things you expect from your husband - that he's going to provide, that he's going to spend time with you, be caring and considerate. You need to then think and be aware of what you're going to bring to a marriage because it is a two-way relationship, so you have to be willing to adapt. You need to understand that your life as a single person is very different from your life as a married woman and as a wife. Are you ready for that role and responsibility? Do you even know what that role and responsibility will be? Getting married isn't like having a halal boyfriend and that you're just going to be going out to restaurants and movies. I remember watching this hilarious movie that had Amitabh Bachan and Rekha in it where; that's precisely what Rekha thought, that they were going out to dinner every night, and Amitabh Bachan was like, "When are you going to cook dinner at home?" Like you will have expectations, the man will have expectations, so you have to consider what you are going to be bringing to the marriage and write that list down. You need to consider whether you know how to manage a house, take care of the shopping, cooking and the cleaning.
Sisters, we need to realise that no matter how highly qualified we are and how successful we are in our career, once we get married and have children, our primary role is a homemaker – I wonder how many people are telling you that. When I'm telling you this, I mean it in a really thoughtful and sincere way because this is what life is like; you have to ask yourself - do you want this life? If you don't, that's fine, but you're not ready to get married, and that's the reality.
It's true that in Pakistan and Arab countries if you're of a particular financial level, you can afford a cook and a cleaner and alhamdulillah why not... but I'm talking about in England, where we don't generally have cooks and cleaners... we do the laundry, we do the shopping. It is disingenuous to not point this out to sisters. Start learning how to cook from your mum. If your parents are super cool and don't give you any chores, maybe you need to start volunteering to do some, or perhaps you're okay, and you already do.
I would also say that if you don't have any friends who have young kids, you need to find some or go and visit your aunt who's had a baby. You need to start seeing what life is like for married women and what children are like. You don't want to get shocked, and I've seen it in some people, where the lifestyle change is so significant and unexpected, and it can cause problems. So, you could say I'm telling you to do marriage work experience, in a way. Ignore what you see in movies and TV programs; that's nonsense. Although I must admit some of it is funny, it's not reality. It may shock you when you hear someone talk practically about what the change is.
When we think about our careers, I was a teacher, and one of the good things they did was that I did two weeks where you go to a high school, and you spend a week in a high school and a week in a primary school, and you really get to see what it's like. I got to speak to teachers, and so when I then went into teacher training, where you observe teacher's for a while and do a bit of teaching for half a lesson, you are slowly brought into teaching a whole class. Hearing the teachers moaning in the staff room really helped me to understand what it was like, and subhanallah, I should've realised then that I didn't want to do this, but I did it anyway. That's what I'm saying to you that you need to do, and it is something practical you can start preparing yourself for. Speak to a newlywed woman, and I'm not saying to be really nosy and dig into their personal lives; they'll be quite honest with you on what you should look for and what you should think about.
There is a really good book called "Secrets to a Successful Marriage" by Afshan Khan, and I would recommend that you buy that book. I am going to be looking through some of the points she has made, as well as some bits and bobs that I have read. I actually know the author, she's really lovely and is a counsellor.
When you first think about marriage, there are some issues that you may wish to consider:
1. What are your reasons for getting married? That's something that you should write down: are you looking for companionship? A soulmate? Love? Children? Or is it just something you think that you are expected to do? The clearer you are about the reasons for getting married, the easier it can be to find someone whose ideas match your own and will help you find someone who has the same reasons.
2. What do you expect from marriage? Make a list of the essential things and the things that would be nice but that you are prepared to compromise on. Refer back to your reasons for getting married, as they will influence what you will expect, don't make the list too long.
When I wanted to get married, I decided that I just wanted him to be Islamically minded and someone that is going to help me to get to Jannah. I'm being frank here; that's the dua that I kept doing. I really didn't care about whether he had a lot of money, that's not what I cared about, and I'll be honest, my husband did not have a lot of money when we first got married alhamdulillah, it was not a problem, Allah gave us our rizq. I wasn't looking for anyone rich - he didn't have to have a house or a flat, I was quite happy to rent, and that's what we did. I was very content with that. I didn't care about what nationality he was, and so I didn't marry someone who was the same ethnicity as me and alhamdulillah. My parents were cool with that.
If you have a long list, it will narrow down the possibilities compared to if you have a broader list based on Islamic principles. Of course, you must be attracted to someone who you marry, that's a no-brainer, and no one is saying you have to compromise on that. I spoke to a friend who mentioned that what women find attractive is different from what men find attractive. There is also no strict definition of who is handsome and who is good-looking for men as it is compared to women. I think we all know that the definition for women is getting narrower and more specific and is very Eurocentric: it's thin, fair, and long hair... you know better than I do. When it comes to men, there are certain things like confidence and the ability to provide, but it's not that strict, it's a good thing, and we should keep it that way. Whether it's social media or movies or Bollywood or specific definitions of what is handsome or good-looking, that is what will make it even harder for us to choose someone. Ultimately, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so keep that in mind and keep to the essentials and what you are willing to compromise on. For example, I knew people who would not consider people who aren't in London, and I thought they really narrowed it down because there is the whole of the UK and that you should at least consider the UK, and I thought, "I can't be dealing with this, I can't look for you, and you're being silly".
I'll tell you a funny story, my aunt, alhamdulillah, is a really intelligent woman and is a matchmaker in Pakistan. She said that nowadays, people's criteria have become ridiculous, and they want some kind of Prince Charming or beauty queen. Even if they are not the most gorgeous looking person in the world, they want someone gorgeous, wealthy, and highly educated. She said that it's impossible to find these imaginary people and find it really hard to get married. I think hearing that from a matchmaker, we need to listen to her. She said that people who make their lists more realistic will get married, and alhamdulillah they do. You need to be flexible.
3. What can you offer a potential spouse? Reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes with honesty, sincerity, and realism.
You may need to ask your friends what they think of your strengths and weaknesses. Do you have very little patience with people? Are you a taker more than a giver? Be honest about that and remember that this is a life change.
Single life and marriage life can never be the same; accept this and embrace the differences with positivity. Look forward to having someone to share life's journey with. Wouldn't it be boring if the single life that you're living now never changed? Getting married is a new beginning and trying something different and different experiences. The same way you swap jobs and swap careers to something different is an exciting opportunity. Why would you just want to have things the same? Think of it in that way and how you're going to do something different now. It's a bit like a growth mindset, and that you're being open to new avenues and new opportunities.
Be really clear about what you want before you start asking people. I think in the future, with one of these practical episodes, I'm going to look at how you should practically go about looking for a husband. You should have a plan for having the right mindset. What is the Islamic perspective that you should have about marriage? Have you got that? If you haven't, that's fine, but you need to get it. What are you going to do to get it? You have to do something.
Alhamdullilah, Islam is not just a set of ideas and a philosophy and gives us practical ways to do things. It's the ideas that are the impetus, and so we think about what we are going to do. We can't underestimate the thinking process first, don't jump into anything. We're not irrational, we think things through, we get our intentions really clear, and of course, we make dua. When we know the type of person we're looking for, we can ask Allah to put that type of person in our path. When someone comes to see you and approaches your family or approaches you, and they don't fit your list because you've thought about it really carefully, you'll thank Allah and say you don't want to consider them. Or, you might think you really want to marry someone, but that person isn't right for you, so they're taken away, and they say no. Although it's unfortunate when that happens and you feel rejected, there is wisdom in that that Allah knows. If you had married that person, it might have been a total disaster, and so Allah saved you from that.
Inshallah, I hope you found this useful. If you have got other advice that you'd like to share, please send me an email. My email address has changed again, it's hello@farhatamin.com, so if you want to send me an email, please do so.
Inshallah let's remember each other in our duaas. Take care, Asalamualaikum.