Is racism preventing single Musilms from getting married?
Whenever I have held a Muslim marriage masterclass, my inbox has been flooded with questions from single Muslimahs. Some women feel scared at the thought of getting married. Others have heard too many Muslim marriage horror stories and are seriously considering staying single.
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Once I get married, will I lose my freedom?
What are the red flags I should look for?
What are the halal ways of finding a prospective partner?
How can I get to know someone without dating?
When should I ask difficult questions about finances, in-laws, polygamy, etc.?
How do I know if he is ‘The One’ ?
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Podcast Notes
Is racism preventing single Muslims from getting married?
This is a question I had previously never thought about because I had not faced this problem when it came to getting married?
However since speaking to single Muslims who are Somail, Jamaican, and African American they have mentioned that it is a real problem in our communities.
But why should we care? Is it really such a big deal? Isn’t it just a few bad apples who won’t consider a black Muslim woman when it comes to marriage?
The reason why we need to think about this is that racism is alien to Islam. We can’t be a ‘racist Muslim’ it's an oxymoron. White supremacy exists in western liberal states. There is a really good article “ Intolerance at the heart of Liberalism’ traversingtradition.com which I highly recommend. It states “This crusading spirit of liberalism is unsurprising. The ideology was closely associated with a Darwinian belief that both Europeans and their culture had a duty to civilize and tame the savagery of other world civilisations. Rather, this racial and cultural superiority undergirded early liberalism. Immanuel Kant, Voltaire, and Jean Jacques Rousseau all suffered from the hubristic ailments of liberal superiority. Kant, responsible for developing the early notions of democratic peace, suggested in his writings on the Destiny of Races that, “The race of the whites contains all talents and motives in itself.” And that, “The race of Negroes … can be educated, but only to the education of servants.” And that Native Americans, “are uneducable… care for nothing and are lazy.”
Conversely, in the Quran Allah teaches us that no one is superior to another person solely because of their skin colour. When we think our light brown skin is better than our sister’s dark brown skin, we have adopted the same mindset as shaitan when he said:
[7:12] He (God) said, “What prevented you from prostrating when I ordered you?” He (Satan) said, “I am better than he (Adam); You created me from fire and created him from mud.”
[38:76] He (Satan) said, “I am better than he; You created me from fire and created him from clay.”
No one is born racist, so we have to question as Muslims who are we adopting racist ideas from? And part of the blame definitely has to come from the racist secular societies we are living in? American and European societies are racist. They only pay lip service to anti-racism. Historically they colonised and enslaved black people and once black people settled in the US and Europe they have continued to face racist attacks and discrimination.
Even when you are ready to give everything up to be embraced by the polity, your colour, cultural mores, and creeds means that acceptance is always going to be contingent on your gratefulness and recognition of your inferiority and status.
In popular culture, black people are stereotyped as criminals and when it comes to beauty - lighter-skinned black models and black actresses get more work. I'm not naive enough to think Pakistan, Saudi, or Malaysia are any less racist. After all their laws are not comprehensively based on Islam.
So we have to wake up to the fact that non-Muslim societies are conditioning us to dislike black people so when it comes to marriage. I know Pakistani mothers will outright say to their sons you can’t marry a Somali Muslim girl.
This unislamic mentality is another reason why single Muslim women are finding it difficult to get married. As you know it’s becoming increasingly difficult for Muslim women to get married so why are we allowing racism into the decision-making process?
So, today to help us understand this issue better, I have Nailah Dean from the US. She wrote an article that you can read on al jazeera.com ‘The hidden racism of the Muslim marriage market. In her article, she writes
“We cannot defeat racism if we continue to allow cultural biases to govern who we love or who we let our children marry.”
Farhat Amin 00:00
Assalamu Allaikum, Naila and welcome.
Naila 00:02
Walaikum Assalam. Thank you so much for having me.
Farhat Amin 00:05
Alhamdulillah pleasure’s all mine, and thank you for taking the time to speak to me I know, it's early in the US. So the article that you wrote in Al-Jazeera, what made you want to write that?
Naila 00:19
Yeah, so I've been working on this book for a while about how American Muslim women meet their partners and marriage in the contemporary American context. And I really noticed that people were having the same difficulties that I was. For the book, I was interviewing women from across the US, and I was noticing that they're facing three challenges, in meeting a good Muslim man; sexism, ageism, and racism. The third of which affected me the most. And so, in a time in which the issue of racism is such a hot topic. Al-Jazeera was really interested in hearing the perspective of what it's like to find someone as a black Muslim woman.
Farhat Amin 01:16
So, you're saying, it's: ageism, sexism, and racism? Those three?
Naila 01:22
Yes.
Farhat Amin 01:23
And would you say racism is the biggest problem you face?
Naila 01:29
Yes, definitely. Well, I mean, it's one of the biggest problems, I think because there are so many different constraints around people who want to marry it's broken down by ethnicity, race and there are so many people within these different dating apps or matchmakers, or even just meeting people, you know, you want to approach someone, but then you find out that they are only looking for one type of person, which is of their ethnicity and I feel like, that's one of the reasons why we're seeing so many Muslim women that aren't getting married. It's what I see, amongst a lot of my friends that are African or black American, and I think it's definitely a leading cause. I don't know if it's the biggest issue, the leading cause?
Farhat Amin 02:26
Well, it is a big issue that you’re noticing a lot and it's true that when I've spoken to sisters from African countries or to any kind of basically black Muslim sister, they raise that as well. I guess one of the ways to know whether that is true, is that; did you find that even when you were younger, your ethnicity was an issue?
Naila 02:58
So within, like, growing up in primarily Dallas in a largely South Asian Masjid. I did notice that there was definitely some separation like segregation, self-segregation, really, amongst people. In our town, we would have an Arab mosque, we had a Somali mosque and then we had this South Asian mosque. So, I noticed that Muslims would self-segregate. I also know that my dad was the youth director for a time at one of them. The mosque, he was having a hard time being able to run his programs constantly, you know, feeling, you know, receiving a lot of difficulties navigating the political system within the mosque and we really do think it was because he wasn't South Asian or Arab. Plus, being a convert that, yeah, he was a convert and that also, like, kind of discredited anything that he had to kind of say, so, in those regards within the Muslim community, I would definitely say that's when I was witnessing the differences amongst different Muslims have the treatment.
Farhat Amin 04:14
Why, is it because your background is that? Is your mom Latino?
Naila 04:20
She's half a Honduran, half-black American.
Farhat Amin 04:23
Okay. Mashallah and then your father is African American.
Naila 04:28
Yes, that's right.
Farhat Amin 04:29
MashAllah! That's a really lovely mix. Alhamdulillah! Is that an unusual kind of marriage of two ethnicities or is that normal?
Naila 04:38
Yeah, I mean, I'd say it happens, maybe not that much today, but maybe back in the day, sure!
Farhat Amin 04:51
Yeah. So then when you were growing up, did you face much racism from non-Muslims or was it okay for you?
Naila 05:09
Yeah, I would say racism in the US comes in two forms, it’s extremely blatent, and then it's very subtle in the form of microaggressions. But I definitely faced the more subtle version, within, school growing up, not sometimes getting placed in honors classes, immediately the administration dragging it out thinking that I should be in the not advanced class or hearing things on the playground from little kids in like very white suburban towns.
And then, growing, getting older, by trying to find an apartment in the suburbs of Boston, having difficulty there, and then in the workplace as well, not getting certain promotions and that's been a really very shocking reality of having to deal with it in very small forms and sometimes not always knowing that that's the reason especially since you know, I wear hijab and you know, have darker skin, so it could be the Islamophobia aspect as well. Sometimes you really just don't know. But I definitely say it comes in the form of a lot of microaggressions.
Farhat Amin 06:21
Yeah, this is it, if I think for anyone who is not black, they can't appreciate what you guys go through because we don't face it. I think it's really important to educate ourselves about and listen to sisters like yourself, when you say these things and not just say, oh, you're overreacting or you're being too sensitive. I find it odd when people make excuses. When you think, why don't you just listen to what they've got to say, they have no reason to make this up. They don't want sympathy. You should be aware, these are your sisters, this is what they're going through and I really do think, you just hit the nail on the head, you don't know is this racism or is it Islamophobia that I'm being subjected to here? Because a prejudiced person doesn't say to you, whether they are acting in a racist way or Islamophobic.
Naila 07:16
Exactly. And I feel like that also comes up in the marriage context, like, sometimes you just don't know if that's the reason why someone's parents said, No, they'll never say that, they'll use terms, like, in my article, I told about a story about, someone's parents rejecting me, because, you know, saying using the word incompatible but they're not really defining what that means for them and so just little things like, you really don't ever know because people won't say it very explicitly, it's all in context. So yeah, sometimes it's like, you carry this burden around and people think that you're too sensitive, you're going, into it too much, I'm assuming the worst of people.
Farhat Amin 08:02
There are lots of euphemisms, so you're not compatible or you won't fit in with our family or, okay, you don't speak the language or you'll not understand our culture and the thing is, that. Okay, we're not saying that all Muslims are racist but I know for a fact because I'm Pakistani, I know 100% there are racist views amongst Pakistanis towards black Muslims but they won't say blatantly because they know it's haram. You know, they will never say that maybe really privately and I've heard people say really privately, you know, there's nothing wrong with that girl or that boy, it's just because they're black and they don't have the same problem with white converts, or white looking Muslims. Anyone who's Pakistani or Bengali or Indian because I think they all have a similar mentality. I’m not making this up and the point is; it's not from Islam it's an alien idea of racism and that kind of a superiority complex. So, the thing is that now it's interesting to understand where are we getting these ideas from. If it's not coming from Islam, where is it coming from?
Recently with the Black Lives Matter, the issue came up a few months ago. There you did see on TV, even in places like the BBC, they had all these black programs by black people. You know, showcasing actors or like basically, saying that, we are not racist and we will showcase and them even on Etsy for example, they had black-owned shops and encouraging people to buy from black-owned sellers but the thing is do you think there's still this underlying thing that black is not good enough or black is not beautiful? Do you think that still exists in society?
Naila 10:21
Yeah, definitely. I would say that, within the US context, generally, the Hollywood representation still isn't where it needs to be in terms of diversity. So, the images we see in our magazines or on television and movies, I think that affects how we operate in the day to day sense of like, the biases that we have about people, about what's beautiful, what's not, what's inherently good or not, I think that plays into everything and it's in the background.
Farhat Amin 10:54
So, for example, what's an example of a movie or TV show where you really didn't like, the way they were portraying black people?
Naila 11:06
That's a good question. I can't think of anything necessarily at the top of my head right now, but I would say a popular one that gets a lot of criticism is Friends from the 90s sitcom. It's not something that I have ever watched. But that's something that does come up like where, you know, that wasn't that long ago. Why couldn't they have one main character that was not white?
Farhat Amin 11:31
Yeah, it's true. I don't think they had a love interest that was black I am trying to think. I remember, growing up watching when there were black people characters in programs and they were either drug dealers, they were mugging people, they basically were criminals or they were singing and dancing. There was a really interesting show, it was the history of black people on TV, the portrayal and it was really the way that you know, in the olden times, they would allow, people to be singers and dancers or in a comedy, they are always dumb, really derogatory. I can't believe that existed. And then it showed how things progressed. Yeah, it's always very negative. I've noticed. Now, I don't know, I wonder if it seems like, what's the way it's conveyed to us now is that Oh, no, everything is equal now. They point to Kanye West, Beyonce, and Rihana and say, they've made it. You can make it, but for your average black person, like, you're still experiencing discrimination?
Naila 12:56
Yeah, definitely.
Farhat Amin 12:57
And the reason why I'm talking about that is; Muslims, we’re living in the UK, US, Europe and we see this negative portrayal. We are absorbing, these ideas about black people in general and then about our fellow Muslims. We subtly without realizing we’re absorbing these ideas and so even the idea that dark skin is not beautiful. That's something that I really see that in South Asian culture. Okay, there's colorism but then this is separate. This is disliking you that I don't want. An auntie said to me that I don't want my grandchildren to be dark. And things like that. I can't believe it. Allah gave us our color. If you say that to Muslims they say yeah, I know, but I still don't want dark grandchildren. It's like, no, it's not beautiful. And so, there's a really good article, it's called "Intolerance at the Heart of Liberalism". It's on the website, Traversing Tradition. It basically is talking about the whole idea of the superiority of whiteness, like we've heard of white supremacy, but the way that Muslims have absorbed it is that fairness is very beautiful and that's what we should aim for and that comes from colonization. Do you agree with that? Do you think colonization has got a big part to play in our decision making?
Naila 14:33
Yeah, absolutely. Because our communities are still largely made up of an immigrant, household or at least someone in the household has immigrated to the US. I think that, whatever country they were brought up in, they have to deal with the consequences of colonization. So many years ago, it remains in the form of skin lightening creams, the fair is a lovely kind of situation on television or just in the society of, you know, making sure that people stay out of the sun and just little things that make up a decision of what is beautiful and what is not. It's all from, you know, white folks have taken over people's lands for so many years and I think that past continues to haunt people today, even in the US, because people have just brought those kinds of cultural mindsets over to the US and have raised their family in a certain way, not really knowing that they're carrying around those burdens.
But you know, that baggage and just weaving it into the American kind of culture, an American Muslim might like culture and so then you have, these young men that are, you know, have been brought up in a very westernized way. But still, like, within their homes, they have a little bit of this idea of what they think is beautiful or what they've been told is beautiful and it comes out when they're looking for marriage prospects. So yeah, I feel like it's definitely going back, historically.
Farhat Amin 16:24
Because one thing, you know, it would be reasonable for someone to say to you, that you can't expect, like, if a guy, let's say, his mom says, I'm going to disown you, I'm going to have nothing to do with you if you marry a girl who I don't want to and she's a black sister. In a way, they're put in quite a difficult situation by their mum or the parents because we're not saying to anyone disobey your parents and cause rifts. That's not what we're saying at all. How can we encourage people to, you know, like, be a bit more like, I'm going to rock the boat, I'm going to ignore culture, I'm going to take kind of a principal stand here because there's emotional blackmail, but sometimes parents don't, they're not going to go through with it? So, what advice would you give to people who are thinking, I know I should do that, shouldn't allow racism to affect my mum choosing a partner, but my family is going to give me hell if I do.
Naila 17:43
Yeah, I would definitely say be strong in your conviction and knowing that Allah (SWT) does not allow racism and to come into any decision making within our lives, like, if you're following the path, that shouldn't even be thought about what preferring one ethnicity or race over another and that whatever decision you make you know, whatever person you bring, that maybe they're outside of your culture, your race. You should know that when you're speaking to your parents that you are on the right side. We are told in the Quran about not favoring one color over the other. And that your parents, if they're good Muslims like they're going to see that maybe it takes a few conversations, maybe it takes, like an imam coming in and discussing with them, like why their idea, why their fears are inaccurate and why they're based on something as ugly as racism to get them to come through and see the other side of things.
I would say to not give up, but yeah, I do think it's a very big test that they have to deal with and I don't necessarily fault anyone that doesn't want to bother with standing against their parents and like, causing disharmony in their family. Like, I do respect that. I just think that in the current marriage crisis, where we're both sides like men and women are having a really hard time getting married and then keeping on within the bounds of the restrictions like set in Islam that we should be more open and we can't set those types of restrictions on ourselves because we need to stay strong as an ummah.
Farhat Amin 19:33
Yeah, this is it that we do, you are right. There is a marriage crisis. That isn't an exaggeration and the thing is that it is totally cutting in half the whole number of people that you could consider by saying no, I'm not going to this whole race. No, I'm not going to look at them and you're right that at the end, we have to ask ourselves how are things going to change? In a way, we can see this is an opportunity to talk about racism. If there's this underlying racism in our family or even in our cousins or in our families, having a discussion. I thought I would suggest to listeners that even if you're not thinking of marrying someone from a different race, but just start talking about the fact that it's okay, you know, we shouldn't be so close-minded, and whose sunnah are we following, because there's a lovely hadith Abu Nadrah reported the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said in the final days of the pilgrimage, we all know we've heard this sermon;
"Oh, people! Your Lord is one, your father Adam (A.S) is one, there is no favor of an Arab over a foreigner, not a foreigner over an Arab, and neither white skin over black skin or black skin over white skin, except by righteousness. Have I not delivered the message?"
And then there's also reported another hadith of Abu Dharr reported that the Prophet (SAW) said,
"Behold! Verily, you have no virtue of a one with white skin or black skin, except by the favor of righteousness".
So, the thing that makes us good, in the sight of Allah, Allah values our righteousness and Taqwa, obeying Allah, obeying His laws. So just a few days ago, I came across a documentary, it was about, there's a really big mosque in Birmingham, UK. The Birmingham central mosque, and it's like, mashallah humongous and inside there, they've got a matrimonial service that they do and it's run by volunteers and old uncles, about four or five of them, and it just made me so hopeful and happy to see them. They have folders and they take people's details and they are trying to help people in the community get married. And I thought, Mashallah, that is really good. That's the kind of stuff that we need and when they were talking, they were saying yeah, if we don't do this, what's going to happen to our kids? How are they going to get married? They're going to end up dating and that's haram and then what are we going to say, oh, why did you go and get a girlfriend, a boyfriend? We didn't do anything to help them?
What can we do to help resolve this problem and find some kind of solution for everyone involved?
Naila 22:52
Yeah, I definitely think that we need more people taking the opportunity to create more matchmaking events, opportunities for people to meet within smaller communities, I think, we do have a lot more online opportunities nowadays, but it's not really resolving many problems like the issue of biases that come out with seeing people's photos and all of that. There is one really great online effort called I meet soul, and it's kind of a blind speed dating where you don't see anyone's picture like their video when they're putting you in different zoom rooms.
So that's another opportunity to try to talk to someone without seeing or knowing their background first, and I think the bigger thing is just having uncomfortable conversations about these racial and ethnic biases that people have with their parents, with family members, and also be able to know, even maybe before that you meet someone, just when you're thinking about marriage, like asking the parents, what would you consider, why not? Why wouldn't you consider this person? What is the reasoning, and just increased conversations within our masjids as well? People like our leaders need to take note of this because in the wake of George Floyd and increased Black Lives Matter attention. I think that we see a conversation about race in our community come up much more frequently and that's really great, but specifically, it should be applied within the context of marriage because we can't continue to have a growing, functioning ummah with our families. Young people not being able to create families of their own. And yet, I think conversations are just the key thing that we need to focus on bringing attention to the issue.
Farhat Amin 24:58
Yeah, that's it because ultimately, racism it's an idea and the idea needs to be changed, and the good thing about this is, when you see some problems in the Ummah, you feel a bit hopeless, what can I do? But with this, this is actually in our capability because, you know, the hadith and I’m paraphrasing that if you see evil, you should either change it with your hand, you should speak out against it, you should hate in your heart. Now, the thing is that we can talk about racism in our family, no one's going to hit us, nothing bad is going to happen. If you have that discussion. It's an uncomfortable discussion. That's true, but being a bit uncomfortable, if it means you can change this evil, and it is an evil at the end of the day, because if it's preventing sisters like yourself and other sisters that I know I'm sure other people listening know that they can't get married. That's been evil. That's not fair. You know, you love for your sister and your brother, what you love for yourself.
So, I want to get married, I want to have kids. And my sister can't but that's not right, and, you know, we can't play lip service. Like I see in a Western liberal society, they pay lip service to anti-racism, but then in their actions and in their laws and in their judiciary and in the way they lock up more black people than white people. It shows something different, isn't it? They say one thing, and they're doing another. So as Muslims, are we going to be guilty of that as well? Because everyone loves telling the story of Bilal (R.A) May Allah be pleased with him. But you know, living it, is much harder, but our deen isn't just a set of ideas. It's a lived religion. That Hadith, that speaks about when you are capable of changing an evil, you should do it.
So, me, you, and the listeners are capable. So then what are we going to say on the Day of Judgment, I couldn't handle it. Is that what we're going to say?
Naila 27:01
Yeah, I think that's a really great point. We're going to be asked about it, and what better time than now to speak against injustice.
Farhat Amin 27:13
The thing is that I think this problem doesn't have to continue and inshallah, maybe in five years, I'm going to be a mother-in-law. So, I'd really like to say to listeners, you're going to be a mother-in-law soon, your brother may be getting married soon, your sister may be getting married soon, and you can have a part in that marriage process. Muslim families do that we all get involved. We're all involved. So, we can be involved and make a change, and that's the thing that I think we can't be lazy on this one and say it's someone else's problem. Alhamdulillah, we can do something. So, the take-home message is that you can do something to change this, this is what and so when you are in a situation where you can do something that means you are accountable. It's not a light matter. JazakAllah, it was so lovely speaking to you and, you know, not many people would want to speak about this actually. So, I think that's another pat on the back for you. So, how's the book coming along that you mentioned?
Naila 28:32
Yeah. So, I finished writing it I'm looking for a home for it. So, looking for a publisher to take it on and Inshallah soon everyone can read it, it's important for me to just share the stories that I've found and I've written about of other women facing the same difficulties and talking more about the issues, the issues come from cultural problems, systemic cultural problems, but we can have a culture shift if we continue to talk about these issues and share our experiences and inshallah but that can be a way for us to have happier marriages.
Farhat Amin 29:14
Yeah, that is right. Because, you know, there was a cultural shift from, forced arranged marriages used to be the norm, the cultural shift, and that's changed now. People are against it. Muslims generally will say No, you cannot force your daughter, you cannot force your son that's wrong. So that's absolutely true. It is just a cultural mindset shift. Alhamdulillah, so I would just like to do dua for all the sisters who are looking to get married, and Inshallah Naila may you soon Inshallah get married as well. May Allah bless you with an Islamic minded spouse and all the other sisters that are listening. So yes, Alhamdulillah, Inshallah, we're going to stay in touch and let me know once the book is out, Inshallah.
Naila 29:54
Thank you. I appreciate your time Farhat.
Farhat Amin 29:56
Alhamdulillah. Take care. Assalamu Alaikum!
Asalamualaiku Nailah and welcome to Smart Muslima
1.Jzk for taking the time to speak with me. I know it’s early in the US. So to begin with, I'm interested to know what made you write the piece in Al Jazeera?
2.For Muslims who are not black it can be difficult to understand the racism that our sisters face. Would you say you face racism and Islamophobia?
3.Growing up in the US how did you deal with the discrimination from non-Muslims?
4. Although there seems to be more awareness of ‘Black Lives Matter’ and ‘black culture’ is being given more airtime. In general, do you think society subtly teaches us that ‘ black is not beautiful’?
5. There is a really good article “ Intolerance at the heart of Liberalism’ traversingtradition.com.
How much of a part do you think colonisation has played in shaping our thinking about the superiority of ‘ whiteness’ ‘fairness’?
6. I watched a documentary about a mosque that runs a well organised matrimonial service run by volunteers. I was really impressed. What other things can we do as individuals to work towards changing our thinking?
7. Whose sunnah are we following? We need to remind ourselves of the sunnah of our Messenger (saw)
Abu Nadrah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace, and blessings be upon him, said in the final days of the pilgrimage:
“O people, your Lord is one and your father Adam is one. There is no favor of an Arab over a foreigner, nor a foreigner over an Arab, and neither white skin over black skin nor black skin over white skin, except by righteousness. Have I not delivered the message?”
Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace, and blessings be upon him, said:
“Behold! Verily, you have no virtue over one with white skin or black skin, except by favor of righteousness”